Jon Foreman famously said in Fading West that faith and doubt are both completely logical choices, given what life throws at us. And nothing elicits the tension between those mindsets like life's difficulties and seismic transitions. 

Worship leader, wife and mother Andrea McCaffrey had such a season in her life, and as a lifelong musician, chose to process her season of doubts and stretching by writing songs. The result of that is her debut recording, The Push and Pull--a five-song EP that presents a cogent narrative of the disarray, the struggle, the moment of truth and the strengthened faith McCaffrey experienced. 

I talked with Andrea about the story behind her musical narrative, and to introduce listeners to this multifaceted artist who hopes her experiences will encourage and affirm others. 

The Push and Pull is great, Andrea. I'm really impressed with the production quality and just what you were able to do. Now for those getting to know you, just tell us generally about yourself, where you live, your day job, family, and all that stuff.

I live in a suburb of Indianapolis and we've been here for about two years now. Hard to believe that it's gone by that fast. I am a full time worship leader at a church called Northview. It's a great church. I love it. Wonderful people. I am a multi-campus worship leader there, so I get the opportunity to lead worship at all of our multi-site campuses and travel around.

On top of all that, I am a mom to two kids and I'm a wife and I'm a daughter and a sister and a friend, so... busy plate!
 
So many different hats you wear and in the midst kind of all these things that you do on a daily basis, sort of the vision for this EP came about and kind of talk about what led you to pursue this whole thing.

I've been writing music for a very long time and did like a garage recording when I was in my late teens and did the band thing kind of back then, but then I stepped into worship ministry and just was really focused on that. Still writing, but just was not really pursuing doing anything with any of the songs that I had written.

Actually in January of this year -- have you heard of the author Jon Acuff? He started this thing called a "30-day hustle" and I joined it, just thinking, "I'm going to make a commitment for the next 30 days to write a song every day." For me, it was just an exercise to kind of get myself back into the habit of writing and exercising that writing muscle. I didn't really have any intentions beyond that, but I just started writing. I just started to kind of see this theme come out. 

Long story short, our family has just been through a whole lot in the last five years and during that five years I just really found it difficult to put into words everything that I had been through. I found that as I started writing these songs, like all of those things that I was dealing with started coming out in song. So I got in contact with a friend of mine, and he and I started this journey of writing these songs and saying, "You know what? Maybe I should record these because there's a story here and this story isn't just for me." 

I felt like it was this is a story that a lot of other people can relate to because basically it's asking who God is when we start going through really, really hard times. I think a lot of times in Christianity we paint this picture that you come to Jesus and your life is going to be wonderful and you're never, ever going to have trouble.

Obviously that's not what the Bible teaches us, but I think that for me growing up that's a lot of what I thought. So this whole album is really just about kind of sifting through my experiences and rather than running away from all the questions and unknowns that I'd experienced in my relationship with God. It wasn't about facing those questions and asking those questions of God and just recognizing what was taking place in my relationship with God as I had gone through all of this.

So the whole album is just about our doubts and what do we do with those doubts and who is God in the midst of all of that.

From family stuff to moving to starting in a new church community and stuff like that, I'm sure there's a lot of transitions your processed. Where do you find yourself now? Do you feel like you're still processing these same questions? Do you find yourself at a place of resolution? 

It's interesting. I feel like I kind of had to come to this point in my relationship with God where it was a bigger risk for me not to believe in God than it was for me to believe in God, and I have seen God in the midst of everything that I've been through, although most of the time I didn't feel Him. I did see His provision in the midst of all of it and God really has brought us to a place now, my whole family, where we're kind of on the other side of this really difficult season and I can kind of look back now in retrospect and see how God moved throughout all of that.

I can honestly say that I feel like my faith is much stronger now because of everything that I had gone through, but when you're in the middle of that you're just kind of so confused and disoriented, but now I'm like, "Oh God, you were so present. Even though I didn't feel it, I see how you were moving in the midst of all of it."
 
So really this album is for the people in the middle, in the turmoil, the unfinished part of the story that doesn't always get the soundtrack.

Exactly.

You were able to make this because you have an army of supporters around you, friends and family and people connected with you, and you were fully funded on Kickstarter. Talk about that experience in crowd-funding the record.

It's definitely nerve-wrecking. You start it out and you really hope that people will catch onto the vision of what you're doing. It was just such a community effort and I feel like this whole album was that. From start to finish I just felt like for me to make this the best that it's going to be, I need to pull the people around me who I know are gifted in these different areas, whether it's filming the Kickstarter video or even scripting it out. I just have so many people around me that are just amazingly talented that I was like it would be dumb of me not to utilize their gifts and talents in the midst of this.

From the beginning I said I need everyone to be a part of this with me. This isn't just my project. It's our project together and I think that's really what made it successful from the get-go.

Would you say that a lot of your help, whether it was the video like you mentioned, or even the musicians and your background vocalists and the producer were pretty much from your church relationship at your current church?

Yeah, actually. I've just been really, really blessed to have a great group of people surrounding me who are really talented, so everyone that I worked with was either working with me at the church or people who have volunteered, currently volunteering or have volunteered in the past. So it was pretty much someone who I have somewhat of a relationship with.
 
I already know this is an almost impossible question, but can you sort of talk about, maybe in a sentence or two, kind of the message of each song?

I can certainly try. The title track is called "The Push and Pull," and basically that is about that tension. The chorus just simply says there's a tug of war inside my heart and someday you will win. Really that song is just that back-and-forth with our doubts and our certainty in our relationship with God, and I just felt like it was important for that just to be the beginning, because I think that's just what a lot of people wrestle with, whether we're willing to talk about it or not.

The second song is called "Bird in a Cage." Words come easily for some people. I am not one of those people. I struggle sometimes. It's funny I'm a songwriter, but sometimes I just find it difficult to really communicate what is really on my heart and during that season of doubt I was having a hard time doing that with God. I was just come before Him and I would just not even have the words to pray. I wouldn't know what to say and so that song is just about getting the words out and just saying to God what I need to say.

The third song is called "A Million Miles," and basically that one is kind of the point where I recognized because of all my doubts and all these things I've been dealing with, I didn't realize the distance that had taken place between me and God, so that song is kind of just that recognition of, "Wow God. You're a million miles away and I really do want to be close to you. I don't want you to be this far."

"Reason and Rhyme" is kind of that point where I just recognized in the midst of all this distance God is still present. The first line of the song is "how do you get underneath my skin and reach me in that place no one else can," and that's just that point where I realize God is still present. 

The last song is the story of the prodigal son, but obviously it was a personal take on that, just saying "I'm Coming Home." Like, "Here I am. I'm surrendering. I recognize that I'm a mess and I'm just coming back to you."

I love that because with an EP especially, you don't really hear of concept EPs. That's almost not really a thing and it's really cool how you set the story arc.
 
What's next for you? What's kind of your hope and I guess desire or vision for this music and where it goes from here?

If anything I just want people to hear the story and whether that is people who I have direct influence with in my church body or it goes beyond that point, that's really up to God and I don't know. I just have a passion to encourage people along the journey and so my hope is that that's exactly what these songs will do and that they will reach the people who really desperately need to hear that and be encouraged that they're not alone and that it's OK to ask questions and it's OK to wonder and that doesn't threaten God. In fact, God can really move in big ways in the midst of all of that.

I love my church and I love leading worship and I think that's something that I will always, always do because that's just a huge part of me, but I think for me it's kind of hard to put a specific this is what's going to happen because I'm just trying to be open to what God wants to do.

That's a real open-handed way to proceed. How can people be praying for you?

I think for me it would just be that God would just be -- that my eyes would be open to what God is doing. I think that's the biggest thing for me and that I would be bold to step through those doors. I have a tendency to play it safe and I'm a planner and God doesn't work within my box apparently. That I would just see where God is moving and that I would be willing to follow.