My brothers and my sisters, people, we only have two minutes left and we have $9,999 to go. Come on, you ungrateful slobs. We've had some great guests on this telethon to volunteer their time and energy for this worthy cause and the cheap publicity. Now fork it over. You want the Lord to call the Eddies home? You want Donahue in the White House? No, you don't. You don't want Titlon on prime time, do ya? (No) And no I'd like to introduce my semi-ambitious, but less than charismatic, nondescript, pathetic son who hopes one day, against all hope, to take over my ministry...over my dead body. Now, I'd like to tempt you, or he'd like to tempt you with some special offer I'm sure you'll find hard to resist. So now here he is, that Bible college drop-out, that weak-kneed, lily-livered weasel I reluctantly call son, Little Dumbo.
Thanks Dad. If it wasn't for you, I'd still be scraping skid marks of the Prickly Heat World Ministry waterslide. (Amen) In 1964, when my wife Beulah Land was cooking up tortillas over a Bunsen burner in our tent, the face or Art Carney appeared, portraying Ed Norton...you know, Ralph Kramden's little buddy. He was the one that worked in the sewer. (Make your point, son) Well, his face appeared in the tortilla and it changed our lives. I always make it a point to give my testimony before I speak publicly. (We're tired of your testimony. The whole congregation's sick and tired of your testimony, son) (Amen) Well, now I have the privilege of hocking cheap religions knick-knacks for my domineering, omnipresent, but ever-loving father, my dad. (Get off your knees, boy, I'm only a man) Now tonight, brothers and sisters, for your love gift of $300 or more, we're gonna send you offer number 999...that's 666 upside down. It's an autographed prayer chamois worm by my father as a loincloth during his very unsuccessful healing crusade to the lepers of Java. You nearly lost your big fanny on that one, dad. (I hate you, son...I mean I hate the sin, but I love the sinner) Amen. Now let's go to the phones. Hello, would you like to make a pledge to the Swirling Eddies Miracle Faith Prickly Heat Telethon? (I don't have to give anybody anything. What are you trying to do, blackmail me?) (What's going on here, son?) Alright sir, we'll put you down for $300. (300 smacks - I'm proud of you, Dumbo) (I'd like for you to come and collect it, you idiot) (What's going on here, give me that phone. Repent, sinner, repent) (Now you drop dead, you nitwit) (Amen)
